Quote - Fear

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Fear is a manipulative emotion that can trick us into living a boring life.  ~Donald Miller

The One

"Descent is not about finding light but about going into the darkness and befriending it. If we remain there long enough, it takes on its own luminosity. It will reveal everything to us." ~Sue Monk Kidd

I feel like I've been on a journey the last few years. In a sense, a spirit quest. As I've walked this path I've discover so much about myself that I never knew. How can you not know your own self? I think many of us have fallen into that pothole as some point or another. Let me take a step back for a moment...

A few years ago I went through my second divorce. Yes, second. Talk about feeling like a failure! Granted, I was the one who wanted the divorce from our extremely short-lived marriage. I realized that I had made a big massive mistake and tried to backtrack to fix my error in judgment. So there I was, in my early thirties and divorced for the second time. Yikes!

At this point, I'm feeling like I don't deserve love, I will never find true love, there is no such thing as a soul mate, and "The One" doesn't exist. So my answer to this dilemma was to turn within. The common denominator in this string of broken relationships is me. Oh boy! {I should note here that I'm not taking all the blame but owning up to my portion.} So the last couple years I've taken a leave of absence from the dating pool, my own personal soul-searching sabbatical.

During this time I've read most every self-help, inspirational, and relationship book lining the Amazon and iTunes virtual bookshelf. I've journaled, meditated, performed ceremonies, gone to therapy, and indulged in each and every whim my mind could muster in order to begin to recognize my true self. I felt like that was the root of my frustration. Not that I don't know how to be in a relationship, although that could use some work, it was that I didn't know ME. How can I stand up for myself in any relationship; my values, needs, and boundaries; if I don't even know who I am and what these things mean to me?

One of the most important discoveries that I've made along the way is this - I am "The One."

Let me expand: I am the only one who can make me happy. I am the only one who knows my needs. I have to love myself first. I have to feel my own self-worth before others can treat me in the way I deserve to be treated. I am "The One" I've been searching for my whole life.

"...awareness of true love as a limitless source within you, not something or someone outside you; a feeling of self-worth that lets you accept that love is your birthright, not something you must prove yourself worthy of..." ~Meggan Watterson from Reveal: A Sacred Manual for Getting Spiritually Naked*

Don't misunderstand, I still believe in love and I still believe my life partner is out there somewhere hopefully making his way to me. What I know now is that if we don't find each other any time soon or if somehow our paths never cross - I will be okay.

I no longer need to search because everything I need can be found inside of me. I am my own beloved.

Love,

* I can't recommend this book enough. I cherish this book and the treasure that lies within its binding. Must read!

Home

Days of highs and lows,

I dream of being "normal"

Of taking each day, each moment, in stride.

Slow the spinning,

Rapid turning of the gears,

Wanting of peaceful rest,

Standing out and standing apart,

Never really fitting in,

I long for my own tribe,

A place to belong.

Where my weirdness is quirky,

Instead of strange.

Where my voice can be heard,

In place of a frozen scream,

Stiff and unmoving.

In step once removed,

Always behind,

Never apart.

This tribe of one waits.

Longs and waits,

For her kinfolk to come home.

Where all belong,

All are loved.

Home.

Hugs,

Lately

:: She Reads ::

Storycatcher: Making Sense of Our Lives through the Power and Practice of Story by Christina Baldwin

:: She Watches ::

Step Up: Revolution - I know these movies are cheesy but I love them anyway!

:: She Explores ::

Visioning from a distance. I was unable to attend Hannah's latest workshop at The Loft so I attended in spirit and followed along on Instagram #loftvisionnight.

Speaking of Instagram, I've been more active with this app as of late. You can find me @amandastclair.

:: She Creates ::

A beautifully restored deck (and aching muscles)

Before

In between (after pressure washing)

After - much better!

A completed dreamcatcher

:: She Loves ::

My amazing Soul Portrait by the lovely and talented Jules Dolly

Lunch at the beach

New kicks

Found feathers

Selfie

Ethereal selfie

Hugs,

Quote - Light

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He is ready to use all 

situations

and doesn’t waste

anything.

This is called 

embodying the light.

~Tao te Ching

These Hands

These Hands

These hands,

The very ones that held my newborn son.

The ones that clutched to a promising future.

The ones that draw my loved ones near.

The ones that grasp worn pictures of history.

These hands,

The ones that comfort a friend in need.

The ones that reach out in the darkness.

The ones that caress a companions face.

The ones that speak volumes without words.

These hands,

The ones that grip in times of fear.

The ones that pat in silent condolence.

The ones that soothe at nightfall.

The ones that tremble when sadness nears.

These hands,

The ones that shudder during distress.

The ones that shake to meet an acquaintance.

The ones that squeeze in delight.

The ones that rest in quiet contemplation.

These hands,

The ones that ball up in passionate anger.

The ones that rise in jubilation.

The ones that wave in recognition.

The ones that meet in silent prayer.

These hands, these hands.

Hugs,

Quote - Free

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To end violence we must relentlessly keep freeing ourselves from the violence within.  ~Krishnamurti

Soul Art

May 9th was International Soul Art Day with Laura Hollick of Soul Art Studio. I made time this past weekend for my Soul Art Journey. After lighting a candle, setting an intention, and a few sun salutations later; I was centered and ready to get started.

I decided that my hands would be centerpiece and traced each one onto my poster board. I also sketched the word, "Namaste." Next, I sat down with a stack of magazines and begin to pull images and words that I was drawn to. Then I began intuitively placing my images, cutting, and pasting them onto my traced hands and word.

I felt like the background was too plain so I added some watercolor:

Here is my finished piece:

You can read all about my Soul Art Journey in the gallery.

Hugs,

Please remember

Layers of Me

I am a bohemian goddess

Robed in twirling layers of textile

Draped in beads and charms

Enveloped in the aroma of patchouli

Freely swaying to lyrical composition.

I am a sultry vixen

Soft and sensual

Aware of my charms

Slinky movements

Graceful and refined.

I am a protective lioness

Shielding my cub

Defending and guarding

Keen senses observe

Peril aggressors.

I am a nurturing robin

Nourishing the soul

Of my little

Birth a boy

Cultivate a gentleman.

Hugs,

What am I looking for in a soul mate?

This is a recent entry in my vision journal (from Feast Retreat) where I decided to get clear on what I'm looking for in a soul mate:

He should be spiritual and kind, love animals, and be understand and accepting of my relationship with my son. He should be compassionate and empathetic to the feelings of others. He should love to travel but not be worldly, as in not ruled by money but works hard for what he has. He should be respectful of the smorgasbord of cultures, ethnics, and religions of those around us. He should have strong values while not pushing his core beliefs on others. He should be open to adventure and new experiences yet also not haphazard in his choices. He should be nice looking, confident, and intelligent but not arrogant, superior, or conceited. He should look nice but be unaware of his looks. He should be passionate, romantic, monogamous, and devoted to his woman. He should not be a heavy drinker or addicted to drugs. He should have an appreciation of the arts and enjoy art shows, theater, and movies. He should be thoughtful and sensitive without being overly sensitive. He should enjoy the outdoors, hiking, and camping. He should also be able to enjoy time at home relaxing and enjoying each other's company. He should have a few close friends but not need to be the center of attention, always with a crowd, and not be a partyer although he should like to have a few couples over for dinner or a BBQ. He should be sweet, loving, and gentle.

- Loving
- Kind
- Romantic
- Respectful
- Sincere
- Trustworthy
- Devoted
- Compassionate

I used images of Raj from The Big Bang Theory because he's my current T.V. crush. :-D

Hugs,

Garden of Life

Good day, Sweet Pea. I hope your Monday is off to a great start for a super, amazing week. :-) 

I shared a list awhile back called 10 Things About Me and thought it was apropos to add more to the list relating to my life's current happenings. Grab your favorite beverage, sit back, kick your feet up, and sit a spell with me, if you will. We can plant some beautiful seeds together.

1) I struggle with my self-worth on a daily hourly basis. I remember having this internal conflict as a child, especially in my teen years, and it continues on into adulthood. The difference between now and then is that I now KNOW my worth even though I may doubt or question it at times. You know what's truly ironic? My name, Amanda, means "worthy of love."

2) You know how we have soul mates and soul places? Well, my sweet pup, Bella, is my dog soul mate. I knew the moment that I met her in the animal rescue center that she is my (dog) soul companion and would always have my heart. I love both of my pups and have always bonded well with animals but we share something I've never felt with any other furry (or feathered) creature before.

3) I have the heart of a nomadic wanderer so that my middle name should be Wanderlust. I love to travel and I (rarely) feel the need to visit the same place twice. Once I've visited a location, I can mark it off the list. I would rather visit a new place next then to go back to the same place all over again. If I do go back, often, my second trip is never as good as my first because I am no longer seeing the location through first-timer eyes.

4) I have several themes that have been reoccurring for me lately. One of them I shared recently on finding balance and another is on being seen. I love the synchronicity of these messages such as this morning receiving my Your Daily Gift and what was todays note? You are seen. A fluke? I think not.

5) Lately, I've felt like I'm on the verge of something big. I mean HUGE. It's like I'm right there nearing the edge and can almost see the threshold. The edge is a bit hazy but it becoming a bit clearer and when I can distinctly see the border it will be time to leap. Bravely leap. Into the unfamiliar and unknown. But this I know for sure, it will be good. Amazing.

So tell me, what seeds are you currently planting in your garden of life?

Hugs,