Transforming Anger into Compassion

Anger and frustration are negative emotions that stem from fear while positive emotions like hope, courage, and compassion are born of love. Love is greater than fear or any other negative emotion. Love is greater than anything. Compassion is required to transform all negative emotions, especially anger because it allows you to expose the hurt and in turn heal. Anger left unhealed turns to suffering. Persistent anger allows the stress hormone cortisol to be elevated in the body, impairing the immune system, hampering your ability to relax, making you edgy, and taxing your system. Anger feeds on anger and builds momentum. 

Most common causes of anger:

-          Unfair treatment

-          Treated disrespectfully

-          Feeling unappreciated

-          Feeling threatened

-          Personal boundaries compromised

Instead of holding in or blowing up you must deal with the anger. Develop strategies to express your emotion in a healthy manner.

When anger rises, take these action steps:

Pause. Stop and take a deep breath. Slowly count to twenty in order to regain composure. This allows you to think before you act (or react).

Time-out. If you need more time, retreat for a few moments to a calmer location to find your center and prevent lashing out. This is especially important if you’re tired, rushed, or before bedtime. These are not appropriate times to work through anger.

Release. Decide that your objective is to not stay angry and be willing to release negative resentments.

Communicate. Be calm and clear in tone and acknowledge the hurt without lashing out. Find a way for both parties to get their needs met. Set the intention for a compassionate exchange in order to alter the path of anger. Compassionate communication is a sacred exchange for the greater good involving empathy, bonding, and growth.

Forgive. It is necessary to feel anger in order for forgiveness to begin. Apologize or be accepting of their apology. Take steps to modify the offending behavior or find a way to compromise. Forgiveness means you can no longer punish yourself or the other party for any wrongdoing.

Accept. Realize that people generally don’t mean to cause others harm and are doing the best that they can. Accept their shortcomings.

Acknowledge. Understand that some people are too toxic to participate in a compassionate exchange. In these situations it is best to limit your contact with them and/or slowly detach. You cannot force an unwilling person into a resolution or compromise. Especially with a bully. Resist the urge for revenge or to get even. This reduces you to your worst self.

Remember, you are the only one responsible for the healing of your emotional self. Not your partner or anyone else. Cultivate compassion for yourself which will in turn flow out into the world. Speak to the best in people and you will bring out the best in yourself. Infinite love.

Hugs,

I Thee Wed

Along with my fellow sisters in our private Facebook page (The Joy-Up Alumni Tribe), we set this date to perform our own personal commitment ceremony which would all lead to the same destination – to marry ourselves. Friday was the selected date to coincide with the new moon as a time for new changes in our lives. Shedding old ways that no longer serve us, shedding old beliefs, and taking control of the way we perceive ourselves.

Woman is a marvelous creature and should be revered as the beautiful and amazing beings that we are. We should have that admiration for ourselves and respect our thoughts and feelings in mind, body, and soul. We hurt ourselves more than we can ever hurt each other with the verbal abuse we commit each day. This soul-wrecking, esteem-stomping personal hostility will end today for me. Right here, right now.

Today I forgive myself for the transgressions I’ve committed against myself in the past. I let go of the need to beat myself up and hurt my inner child. Today I take a stand and commit to loving me. Today I married me.

Yup, you heard that right. Today I married myself. I took sacred vows and committed to honoring myself wholeheartedly. I honor my true self and commit to kindness and compassion. On this new moon in this new year for a new me.

This is the day I make a commitment to me to love myself wholeheartedly.

I spent the evening indulging my creative side, pampering myself, and practicing some soul care before my private ceremony began.

Eat, drink, be happy.

Accept the miracle.

Accept, too, each spoken word 

spoken with love.

~Mary Oliver, excerpt of poem, Logos

Tulip bouquet, sage smudging, and a reading of E.E. Cummings, I Carry Your Heart.

"You are my best friend and soul mate. You complete me in a way no other person can. I will value you and treat you with dignity and respect. I will embrace your shortcomings as they are what makes you unique. I honor our union with the purest love one can have for another." ~Excerpt from vows

Grounded.

In lieu of a ring...

But still, like air, I'll rise.  ~Maya Angelou, from Still I Rise

Resources:
Marry Yourself: Creating Sacred Vows for Self-Love on Tiny Buddha
To Me I Wed on Kind Over Matter
How to Become Your Own Best Friend and When Goddesses Unite from Leonie Dawson
I'm Getting Married...to Myself! from XO Jane

Hugs,

How-To: Be the Change

You must be the change you wish to see in the world.  ~Mahatma Gandhi

I often write about how to “Be the change” and about Random Acts of Kindness (RAOK). I’ve also written about my adventures in RAOK Week and 36th Birthday Challenge. Today I want to share with you how to go about your own RAOK mission and how you can be a part of the change you wish to see.

According to Wikipedia:

Kindness is the act or the state of being kind, being marked by good and charitable behavior, pleasant disposition, and concern for others.

Decide you want to make a change.

Determine what act you wish to achieve. What are you passionate about? What touches your heart the most? Would you like to do volunteer work, make a donation, help a person/family in need, perform a RAOK, or get involved in a cause?

Review resources for ideas and information. Who will you serve? What organizations spark your interest? Look at specific areas of interest – disaster relief, children, homeless, environment, your community, in the U.S., and worldwide. Look at free or low-cost ideas if you’re financially strapped. Look to organizations that could use your help volunteering.

Determine the steps necessary to achieve your goal. What will you need? Do you need others to get involved? Will it be anonymous? Silently serve? When will your action take place? Where?

Make it happen! Just do it and with your whole heart.

Feel good about it. Know that all it takes is one person to make a difference to the life of others. Even though it feels good to serve others, seva is not meant to gain personal rewards. Always from the heart and you’ll never go wrong!

Seva (Sanskrit) is the idea of selfless service and considered an essential devotional practice in most Indian dharmic religions and yogic traditions. Seva is a term used to denote service performed without expectation of a reward.

Here are a few of my favorite resources / causes:

Kiva
Sevenly
To Write Love on Her Arms
American Red Cross
Humane Society
Random Acts of Kindness
Love Infinitely
END7
charity: water

The Girl Effect
Mother Miracle School, Rishikesh, India

Feed My Starving Children

The Shine Project

Panama City Rescue Mission (local, homeless shelter)
Animal Rescue Center of Bay County (local, rescue/adoption)

What are your favorite charities and resources? I’d love to hear about any plans you have or recent RAOK missions!

Hugs,

What I Learned from Drake (or Lessons from the Lotus Flower)

So last night I finally felt like painting. Woohoo! After being blocked for awhile, it felt good to put a brush back in my hand. What's funny is where I got my inspiration from.

So I really like that song We Are Young by Fun (featuring Janelle Monae) and went to look it up on YouTube. If you haven't heard it on the radio you may know it from the Chevy commercial. I also looked up the song Somebody that I Used to Know by Gotye (featuring Kimbra) and Take Care from Drake (featuring Rihanna). While I was listening to Take Care I really paid attention to the lyrics for once and the words struck a cord with me. Here are a few random lyrics in no particular order:

I know you've been hurt
by some else
I can tell by the way
you carry yourself

Pushing me away so I give her space
dealing with a heart that I didn't break

Trying to run from that
say your done with that
on your face, girl, it just don't show
when you're ready, just say you're ready
when all the baggage just ain't as heavy

You hate the fact that you bought the dream
when they sold you one

Wow, I can so relate. I have brought so much baggage into relationships that it didn't leave much room for the guy and OUR relationship. It's kind of sad to not leave that baggage at the door, you know, check my bags with the concierge with no intention of picking them up. How does that ever give the new relationship room to grow?

It reminded me of a post I wrote back in October, From Bud to Blossom, during a particular fragile moment in my life. At the end I related that time to a lotus flower and how the lotus survives and thrives in muck yet it still manages to grow and blossom. That was the inspiration for this piece:

I wasn't really sure why I picked red for the lotus because I have never actually seen a red lotus only pink and white. It does indeed exist and symbolizes the heart. It's the lotus of love, compassion, passion, and all the qualities of the heart. Hence Compassion became the title of this painting.

Compassion
- Sympathetic consciousness of others distress together with a desire to alleviate it

At first I thought it was missing something but decided I like the simplicity of it.

I decided to make another smaller painting by recycling a canvas from a image transfer gone wrong. It was "mucked" up. LOL.

This one's called Thrive because that's what the lotus does (and myself!).

Thrive
- To grow vigorously: flourish
- To progress toward or realize a goal despite or because of circumstances

Lots of Love,

Practice Compassion (You are safe here)

What possesses people to be so hateful and feel the need to bully those around them? 

This seems to be the theme lately and I don’t understand why. Are human beings so jealous of others? Threatened by what others have or don’t have? Lacking so much self-worth that they must inflict their shortcomings on others? Intimidated, envious, resentful, defensive…angry? 

I guess I find this so hard to understand because, although I’ve struggled with my own self-esteem, I’ve never felt the need to harm another soul. I don’t need to hit them, demoralize them, emotionally or verbally abuse them, or any other malicious act in order to make myself feel better. 

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So why then do these acts – bullying – take place? 

Why do we, as a society, still allow this to happen?

So you’re probably wondering where all this is coming from, so here’s the abbreviated story…

A dear friend’s daughter began high school recently. This should be a new and exciting time in her life besides the usual teenage angst and thinking your parents are idiots and such, but that’s another story. :-) So her first week at school and she’s already become the victim of bullying by a group of misfits for no reason other than existing. 

Kids are smart these days, or really dumb depending on how you look at it, and use tools that weren’t available to us growing up such as YouTube. They used this media outlet to diversify their bullying methods and created several hateful videos of the things they plan to do to these girls, my friend’s daughter included. My first thought was how sad it was that these girls are so broken inside that they have to stoop to these levels to get attention.

To shorten this story, parents; school officials and police have been involved and hopefully their cries for attention in disruptive behaviors will cease. 

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So on to the next part…

I was reading Kind Over Matter this morning and came across the link to Gluten-Free Girl (Shauna) and was just disgusted by her story and what she’s lived through lately.

– I’ll pause for you to read it (here). –

Okay, so are you not just appalled by the abuse she’s received from blog and Twitter followers and other random hateful people??? 

I don’t know if I’ve just been lucky that I’ve not had such criticism, granted I don’t have thousands of blog followers. Yes, I’ve felt judgment from people I’ve interacted with outside the blogosphere.  Especially since my weight has ballooned up quite a bit the last few years. I’ve been criticized for my parenting skills and specifically for being a single parent. I’ve also been questioned for not following the crowd but I don’t take offense to that. I’m proud to march to the beat of my own drum. But to daily receive hate email and comments for nothing to do with what you posted on your blog that day? 

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Is this something you’ve dealt with since entering the blog world (or being online in general)?

I think human beings need to practice a bit more compassion. 

According to Wikipedia, the word compassion is Latin for “co-suffering.” It’s explained as a virtue (good moral being), a cornerstone of greater social interconnection and humanism.

Compassion (noun) – to suffer together 

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Shauna, today you and I are “co-suffering.” I feel a touch of the pain you’re feeling thanks to you sharing your story with us. I’m so sorry that you receive these vicious attacks and I’m so proud of you for stepping up, putting your foot down, and saying “No more!” to silencing your story. I like what you said, “It doesn’t feel honest to not talk about this.” I agree with you. We should be talking about this. We should be making it known that it’s not okay to speak to others with such cruel and sadistic intentions.

So what are we going to do about it?

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This is my start; by making it known that I won’t tolerate bullying/harassment/discrimination here. You are loved here and this is a safe place. We practice compassion for each other here.