An aching heart and letting go

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We picture love as heart-shaped because we do not know the shape of the soul.  ~Robert Brault

My heart has been so heavy lately and I must say how much I thank you for your words of wisdom and support yesterday. I’m going thru a trying time right now where I want to open my heart but its been battered so many times. 

This particular person and I have been down this road before and it didn’t end well which causes fear for both of us. It’s so very hard to love someone so much but to conclude that maybe you shouldn’t be together no matter how much love you have. You’re not supposed to hurt the ones you love yet that’s exactly what we keep doing to each other. 

I realize that I have made my fair share of mistakes in our relationship, and so has he, and it would be nice to leave the past in the past but unfortunately it does affect how you treat the future. I really wish the answer would just come to me as to what is best, and maybe it has but I’m afraid of the answer.

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In my heart I feel like I should set him free because I love him and want what’s best for him even if it isn’t me. It really struck me last night when he looked at me there was no longer adoration in his eyes like there used to be. His glance was full of hurt and fear. It broke my heart that I could cause that much pain to other soul, especially one that I feel so deeply for. If you have to be that guarded in a relationship then maybe you should no longer be in it. So as much as my heart aches for him it aches even more knowing that I need to set him free. He deserves, as do I, to find his soul mate that he can, once again, look lovingly into their eyes and make plans for the future and not have to be so guarded. 

Something has happened lately deep in his heart and mind that he can’t share with me, some realization that he’s not completely ready to deal with or some fear that I cannot ease. It’s unfair to keep a relationship going like this and cause more damage to each other’s security. It’s almost more that I can fathom to release him yet it may be the best thing to do. 

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Oh how my heart aches to know that we made it back into each other’s life and must say goodbye yet again, and for the last time. Forever is such a finality and such a frightening word and thought. 

For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.  ~Judy Garland quotes